Random Thoughts/Missing Dad
I think one of the most difficult things in life is to love. It also happens to be one of the most beautiful and life altering.
It just sets you up for all kinds of pain… pain that I sometimes wonder… “Is it worth it?”
When they suffer, you suffer. When they hurt, you hurt. When they pass on, the grief is all consuming and heartbreakingly awful that it has made me (personally) question so much. Why? Why do we exist to love and care only to have it ripped away from us? Why are we even here? What’s the point of all the sorrow?
Sometimes I wonder if it is better to not love. To not be so utterly connected to someone, that when they are gone, a piece (sometimes a gigantic piece) of yourself, is gone with them and nothing can ever fill that void.
Then I think about all the wonderful memories I have of my dad. Of all the times he laughed. Of all moments he showed us how much he loved us (he wasn’t big on saying the words—like me). Of all the times he sacrificed his happiness for our own (and us for him, especially in the end) … and as overwhelming as his loss is … I cannot imagine not having those memories. I cannot imagine not loving my father like I love him and having his love in return.
It’s just so freaking hard. Not seeing him every day. Not hearing his voice on the other side of the line or face-to-face. Not making him laugh that beautiful laugh of his. Not being able to hold his hand or give him a hug even one more time. Not saying “I love you.” I thankfully have no regrets, and I don’t have to live with that feeling on top of everything. It’s just his LOSS is so deep… I feel it to the core, every single day of my life and I wonder if the ache will ever lessen.